The Endless Pursuit of Beauty


It just hit me the other day at a Rexall as I purchased my 50 billionth or so hair product, this time it was a hair dye. I spend so much time, energy, effort, and money, just to look beautiful.

I cannot stress how much money I’ve spent on makeup, hair products, body lotions, exfoliators, tweezers, skin care products, perfumes, hand creams, nail polish, straighteners, hair removal creams, brow pencils, beauty pills, the list goes on. In the last month, I’ve spent about $300.00 on my hair alone. Every morning, I spend at least a half hour to an hour applying my makeup. When I’m going out, even longer. I skip meals frequently to make myself look thinner. I’m considering rhinoplasty. Why do I do this?? When will it end?!

Despite all of this, I still don’t feel beautiful. When people say it, I don’t really believe it. I might spend a huge portion of my life trying to be. I don’t know why – it has become routine now. How have I ended up so self-conscious, so concerned with what I look like?

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think many girls feel pressured to be as beautiful as possible – to be perfect. We want to be just perfect. We want to be ogled, stared at. We want those instagram likes. We crave other people’s approval. We want to be wanted. Who doesn’t? We are nothing if we are not beautiful. It’s a shallow world, and we must adapt to thrive. It’s no secret that beauty is prized – if you’re beautiful, you will be more likely to get a job or a boyfriend or get out of that speeding ticket and be happy. Right?

There are several problems with this. For one, it is incredibly shallow. It teaches you to prioritize looks over anything else. Thinking like this teaches us to pass off anyone we might deem not beautiful enough, even if they have a lot to offer intellectually or conversationally. It trains us to ignore those less attractive than us and basically be bitches. Why close off an entire “type” of person? You are not growing this way – you’re living in your own stupid, shallow bubble, and that can only offer you so much.

Secondly, it will NEVER end. You will never truly be happy if you prize your looks or money above all else. Why? Even if you have an abundance of it, it will never feel like enough. You will hand out tons of money for makeup, eyebrow waxes, and facials. And you will adjust to it, feeling ugly if you don’t. You will feel horrible and ugly without makeup. It will teach you depend on it, always wanting more and more.

Third, there is so much more to life. So much more than the shallow, endless pursuit of beauty. There are books, animals, family, friends, painting, art, movies, nature, sports, travelling, love. There are so many other more worthwhile pursuits. You do not have to get trapped in this endless pursuit. It can end the second you change your priorities.

I Got Hit On by a 31 Year Old Hooker in Front of my Boyfriend

So after getting my fake ID taken away at the club with my of-age friends, I went home and was feeling a bit dejected. It was embarrassing and sad and I felt like a loser. Luckily my incredible boyfriend, D, piercing green eyes, handsome, 6 foot, calls me up and asks if I wanted to go take shots at his cousins house. Fuck yeah I would.

So we head over there, getting into a fight on the way there, because I had drank alcohol (pre gaming) without telling him. We finally get there and at this point we are silently hating each other’s guts. I’m in a horrible mindset and have been drinking since 4 pm, and it’s midnight.

We go to the front door of this town house and are greeted by his drunk cousin, K, who is 6’4, really muscly, blonde, blue-eyed, and his even drunker “girlfriend”, S, green eyes, brown hair, about 5’4. They are really friendly and make me feel welcomed. S grabs D’s ice capp without asking and drinks it as a first impression, so you can tell right off the bat they are going to get along really well.

We go in the kitchen and take shots. D got me some grey goose raspberry? vodka stuff and that stuff hits me like a truck. We take a shot and I’m already feeling it. K and S are all over each other, while D tries to make moves on me, I reject him because I’m still annoyed at him. He suggests rolling a blunt, him and K roll their own separate blunts while I chat up S. I learn she is 31, has a child, and used to be a stripper for 7 years, and was paid “$250 an hour to give a Brazilian wax” (read: hooker). Hmm. After learning I am 18, she is shocked, and says she “doesn’t want to be friends anymore” (but oh, she changes her mind later).

D and I go outside to smoke the blunt. After that, I’m pretty not sober. We go inside, and have a conversation about “society”. I catch K staring at my tits, which were not even overtly exposed. He states he thinks “wild girls are better to date than tame girls.” I tell him that’s very debatable. I can tell that this is some sort of competition between K and D over who has the more appealing girlfriend. So mature (FYI it’s me — my tits are real, hers aren’t, mine are way bigger, and I’m almost half her age) They are competitive as fuck. K offers me a shot of tequila, I take it but don’t finish it because I don’t feel like blacking out and fucking up my life.

D and I go downstairs to talk for a bit privately. I can’t remember one bit of the conversation. He begs to go down on me, I decline, I’m too fucked up and I don’t feel like being walked in on. We hear S and K fucking upstairs. I feel like the tame one for once in my life.

We go outside again to smoke even more. Everyone goes outside this time.  I’m already fucked. S eyes me up and talks about how pretty I am. K agrees with her. I feel on the moon, I love these compliments. S tells me we should go in the hot tub, and that I might as well “spread my legs right now”. S decides D can’t “handle me”, and D calls her a bitch in response. This is when K flips shit, yelling at my boyfriend, telling him not to say those things, that he’s disrespecting her, blah blah blah. I was a bit terrified, this guy is fucking huge, and fucking pissed. I think someone’s going to get beat up, look away, and wonder how I always end up starting fights with people without meaning to. I’ve never seen D back down from a fight in my life, and he certainly did from this one. S keeps running her fingers through my hair.

We all go inside, D and K try to work things out, while I chat up S, and hear about her complain about controlling boyfriends. She tells me her hair and boobs aren’t real, shows me a picture of her kid, talks about loving to laugh in life, and I totally relate to her in that respect.. She tries to get me drunker and gives me another shot. Again, I barely take any. We talk for a while, then she suggests going upstairs. Halfway up, I realize she’s trying to fuck me. So I ask “what’re we doing?”, she takes me in a room where bras are all over the floor. We end up going back downstairs, because my boyfriend was getting PISSED.

I head over to him and tell him it’s time to go home. Before we leave, S asks for my number, and I give it to her, cause why the fuck not.

I sleep over at D’s. He’s completely pissed, ranting about this girl, and his cousin, and saying everyone is a letdown. We had sex in the morning and he chokes me way harder than usual, wonder why. Also, S calls me in the morning, says she loves me and to call her later. D is even more pissed. He tells his cousin to tell her to not talk to me cause it makes him angry. The two of them made up, his cousin blames the alcohol. They’ve never had a fight in their 10 years of being friends before that. I later learned S was on ecstasy.

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol  ♪

What Their Hair Colour Change Says AboutThem

Not necessarily 100% accurate, just what I’ve noticed and what I can relate to. I will further use “she” but it will relate to both genders, probably.

Blonde – She just so fucking happy and wants everyone to know it. Maybe she got into a new relationship and is trying to be the Barbie to her Ken. Maybe she’s trying to be Marilyn Monroe. Or maybe she’s trying to have more fun. A lighter hair colour indicates she’s happier. Or she’s a musician. One of the two.

Red – She’s wild, attempting to make a statement. Hot temper? Really sexual? Check and check. The brighter the red, the harder she is trying to stand out. She identifies with the Disney princess, Ariel and fucking loves cats. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a fact.


Darker – Can mean several things. One, she’s going back to a more natural looking hair colour because she’s decided it looks best. If it’s really dark, she may be attempting to be pull off a mysterious or exotic look. Or maybe she hates her fucking life and wants you to be aware of that.


Unnatural Colour – Can mean all kinds of shit. A scene phase, an overwhelming need for attention, a breakup, or maybe they just really want to be different.


Natural hair – They’ve decided to accept themselves for who they are and realize that natural is really beautiful. Or maybe they dyed the shit out of it and are just giving it a nice break from all of those horrible chemicals.


Highlights/lowlights – They’re looking for a bit of a change, but not much. Just enough to spice it up and give it depth. And they’d really appreciate if you noticed it!


Ombre – They like to be trendy and pretty in a mainstream way and I probably hate them.


What I Wish I Could’ve Said to My Younger Self

Cigarettes don’t make you look cool. I promise. You look like you’re trying too hard and wrecking your health in the process. Get that out of your mouth right now young lady!!

You don’t have to get black out drunk to enjoy alcohol. You’re feeling drunk… you can stop drinking now. Just accept the fact that you can’t handle quite as much alcohol as everyone else. That is okay. You will avoid so much trouble by just slowing down.

You don’t “owe” anyone sex – ever. So he bought you a 10 dollar necklace? That’s great. Very nice of him. You don’t owe him ANYTHING for it, even if he makes you feel like you do. And your pleasure is just as important as his. So he went down on you? Great – you don’t owe him the same.

Don’t fuck with people’s relationships. I know you’re young and have no idea what a functional relationship looks like, but it’s best if you just leave other people’s relationship to run its natural course, rather than fucking with them and ruining your reputation, their relationship, and your soul.

Get high responsibly. That means not going to class or work baked as fuck.

You’re worth so much more than you know. People will suck, and treat you like shit, but that is  not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of them. You’re prettier than you think. You’re smarter than you think. Don’t beat yourself up over your mistakes – you’re not stupid, you’re learning.

Natural is beautiful. Sure, a little makeup can enhance your look, but you don’t need to cake it on to be beautiful.

There is nothing appealing about that douchebag you have a crush on. The only reason you like him is because he calls you pretty and is attractive. But girl, he does this with every girl he sees. To have a crush on him is a waste of your energy. Stupid hormones.

Don’t text/drink/smoke and drive. Seriously.

What I Learned Working in a Pizza Place

There is a science to making pizza. The best pizzas are carefully made. I had no idea there was a precise way to lay down the pepperoni before I worked there, but they’ve got this whole pizza making thing down to a science. I thought they just randomly threw it on there. Keep the sauce even, leave about half a centimetre of dough outside, put exactly the right about of cheese on the pizza, etc. etc.

Who doesn’t love pizza?!? I see all different kinds of customers – male, female, black, white, kids, adults. Everyone. Certain demographics tend to like different things – not racist, just a fact. For example, mennonite LOVE chocolate milk, and a million toppings on their pizza.

Cashiers are people too. If you’ve never been a cashier, you tend to not even think about your transaction critically. Once you’ve been one, you feel for them. Having to smile all the time, be nice, give you the right amount of change, find the right damn button on the register, just trying to get through their shift. You will consider their perspective because you know how it feels to be one.

Great things take time. Our pizza takes about 1 to 5 minutes to make (depending on how fast you are) and 10 minutes to go through the oven. The more time you spend going over the details – the right toppings, the right amount of time through the oven, the perfect amount of cheese, etc. the better your pizza will taste. This applies to everything in life – if you take your time and don’t rush through your job, it will be much better.

There is always room for improvement. You will constantly be trying to come up with new recipes, and discontinuing the unpopular ones, renaming items, etc. There is ALWAYS something to do there, always something to make better – clean the sauce off the floor, restock the pop fridge, clean the tables off, fold pizza boxes, clean and grease the pans. You can always find ways to make something better and more appealing.

Pizza is fattening as hell. Careful working in a pizza place or you might get carried away and gain weight!

Why Weed is Best in Moderation

I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum – completely devoid of weed, and smoking weed everyday, even several times a day in some cases. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the perfect amount is somewhere in between, here’s why.

Why is it bad to smoke weed too much? You don’t appreciate it if it is constant. It just seems like part of your everyday routine. You adjust to it and it become less of a treat and more of just routine. Your highs aren’t quite as good or mind-blowing if you do it all the fucking time. In addition, (this is me personally, feel free to disagree) my memory feels worse if I do it all the time, I am more spaced out than usual in general. I simply feel dumber. And then you become dependent on it – if you happen to miss a day, you feel a little worse, your stress is a little higher. Weed is not physically addicting, but psychologically – you wish you had that high every day. If you’re constantly doing it several times a day, you’re psychologically addicted.

Why should you smoke every once in a while? It adds colour to life, gives you a different way of thinking, and relieves stress and pain. It is simply boring and static to live completely free of weed. In addition, when I’m sober, my thoughts are all over the place. When I smoke weed, it is like I can slow down and focus on one thing at a time, and it is very nice. I’ve come to some very interesting realizations while stoned that I would’ve never even considered sober. I feel like it can help you realize your mistakes and improve yourself. Like Bob Marley said, it reveals you to yourself. Plus the fun, the giggles, it makes you happier, makes life seem a little brighter.

Feel free to disagree, this is merely the conclusion I’ve come to. Thanks for reading.

How to Be Confident

It seems hard, doesn’t it? It’s impossible for someone to be confident all the time, as we’re all bound by our insecurities. Here are some reminders when you’re not feeling so sure of yourself.

Everyone is their own biggest critic.


That little screwup you had? Nobody noticed. So you almost tripped and fell? It happens to everyone. That little zit on your face? No one sees it. No one but you, because everyone is their own biggest critic. Just realizing your screwups and insecurities are simply part of life, and they do not define you. You are capable, you are strong, you have it within you to accomplish ANYTHING.

Be sure of what you’re saying, say it with conviction. I notice just by changing how strongly I say things, the more people listen to and agree with me. Voice your opinion and say what you need to say with strength. Speak slowly. Speak your mind, and do it often. Say no to people when you want to. Go with your first instinct on what to say (in most cases — unless it’s like “fuck you” to your boss or something) Be certain about what you’re saying.

Realize not everyone is going to like you. You CANNOT please everybody, trust me I’ve tried, but not everyone will like you no matter what you do and that’s okay. Fuck ‘em. It’s not like it’s your job to make everyone happy. This is not to say you should treat anyone rudely — treat people with kindness, but never let anyone walk all over you.

Throw your shoulders back, sit up straight. When we feel shy and insignificant, our body language automatically conveys that. We shrink up, our shoulders go down, our eyes lower. The more space you take up, the more confident you will feel. Make eye contact with people, have a presence.

Practice hobbies you are good at. Maybe you’re a wicked painter or an incredible writer, or great on guitar, or love baking, or whatever random talent you love doing. These skills need to be cultivated not only to get better, but to build your confidence. You will feel like you have a purpose to your life. Who knows – maybe you could make a career out of it someday.

Hang out with people who make you feel good about yourself. It’s kind of hard to feel confident when you hang out with people who make you feel like shit that are constantly picking apart everything you do or say. Hang out with people that inspire and encourage you to be the best you can be. You should leave your hang outs feeling better rather than worse — cut off negative people if you can. Life is short and you don’t have time for those assholes.

Don’t let anyone treat you poorly. That person who cut in front of you in line? Call them out on it. Some unappreciative co-worker constantly asking you to take their shift? Don’t respond, or better yet, tell them no. Are you letting some guy fuck you without committing to you? Fuck that, and fuck him (not literally). Don’t allow yourself to be treated like shit, because you will forever feel like that’s what you deserve. There are some things you have to do, and other things you don’t — you do NOT have to be everyones bitch, because people are selfish and will take advantage of you if you don’t stand up for yourself.

These are my confidence tips, hope they helped.