My First Walk of Shame

I hooked up with this random brown guy like a year and a half ago. And some other guy like a half hour later. Tired of feeling like a whore, I got myself a boyfriend for a year. That fell apart. After finding out my ex boyfriend had fucked someone else, I decided to as well to get back at him. Yolo. It was said brown guy.

We made plans to hang out by some random park at like almost 11 pm by his house. It was a bit sketchy at first but I rolled with it. I chatted him up for a while about what he was doing with his life and what he had been up to the past year. What he’s doing for summer. Yada yada yada.

Eventually we ended up at his house watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. He was extremely nervous of me. Kept shaking, stuttering a little. It was funny. We hooked up quickly. He was a horrible kisser. Treated my mouth like it was supposed to be eaten. No chill at all. He went down on me out of nowhere and it actually felt awesome. At least he had something going for him. He demanded I return the favour and after working myself up I did it. He said I was good at it. Nice. His precum taste is still in my mouth as I write this and I just brushed my teeth. It’s horrible.

Then he realized we didn’t have a condom so he ASKS EVERYONE IN HIS HOUSE and yells around. I was trying to be a discreet slut but whatever, you crazy brown bastard. He snapchats a picture of us in bed (I covered my face) and sends it to his retarded friends. They give him a thumbs up back. Stupid college boys, always doing shit like this. It comes off so lame and tacky, like you never get girl so you have to show off the few you do get. Please, nobody ever do anything like this ever.

We find a condom. I hide under the blankets while his friend comes in. His friend takes off. He puts it on. I’m pretty sure it’s too big for him and it’s a MEDIUM condom. Also, he put it on BACKWARDS at first. So I’m working with a small penised guy who doesn’t know how to use a condom. Sound like a good time or what?!

Eventually we figure the fucking thing about after sad attempts to have sex. We do it missionary (actually felt good sometimes) and cowgirl (not so much). His dick was so awkward. His technique was so awkward. It like, kept falling out. And it was small. And angled weird. And uncircumcised. I literally rolled my eyes in the middle of fucking him but I don’t think he noticed.

Nobody came, but I got him off later with a hand job. His semen went everywhere. The whole experience was pretty crappy except for a few random good points in between. He left MASSIVE hickies on my neck, no idea how I’m going to explain / cover those up. Probably lots of foundation.

He texted a LOT after and took pictures of me (covering my body and face a bit). It was really fucking annoying. I couldn’t wait to never talk to him again. Even for a rebound, the whole experience was not my favourite. Worst hookup I’ve had in a long time.

We watched a movie and I pretended to get tired. I went to the washroom a few times to look for anything to steal but they had basically nothing in the bathroom so I settled for using his Listerine and moroccan oil in my hair. No idea if he noticed but I hope he did.

His roommates played Fresh Prince of Bel Air in the next room ALL NIGHT. It was then that I realized you can hear EVERYTHING through those walls, including sexual noises. So that’s fun. We “went to bed” at some point after watching a movie. I couldn’t pretend to be asleep next to him for another second so around 4 am I told him I really needed to study for an exam that I had today. That was a half lie, I do have an exam at 7 pm today but god knows I wasn’t leaving to study for it.

I walk 4 kilometres home listening to “Whore” by Get Scared and actually in a really good mood, despite that sex being not so good. I wanted a rebound and I got it. Even if that wasn’t the best experience at least I’m even with my fucking ex now. I walked along the highways. There were VERY few cars. The ones that did pass me slowed down a did a double take, probably wondering what the fuck I was doing walking the highway at 4:30 a.m. I felt like everyone knew.

Thanks for reading my story! :)

How I Blacked Out and Hooked my Virgin Friends Up

I’m a horrible person for doing this but oh well.

I was spending the night just chilling. I believe it was a Tuesday. It was a calm day, the awkward time period in university where exams are incoming, but it’s too early to study. So instead you drink.

My friend, we’ll call her V, had ditched me for the night and I was upset, so I asked her to come back because I was all alone in my house. At the same time, a really old friend of mine (known him about 12 years), D, wanted to come over. I said fuck it, since I was probably spending the night alone with an entire vodka bottle to myself anyways. He said he wouldn’t be over till about 1 am.

Which was fine by me. It’s not like I have been getting any sleep at all lately due to some family troubles. I would definitely be awake by then. Just then, V told me she was coming back. Great. She asked me if I was still bringing my friend. I said sure.

So she came back, drunk off wine. We talked about how lonely it can be in this house sometimes. I completely agreed with her. We had one other housemate that was basically never here. So we only had each other, and we had conflicting schedules so we didn’t see each other too much anyways. Lonely existence. Something we could both relate on. I gave her some vodka. Let’s drown those feelings.

Around this time, D arrived. He waited outside and I gave him a hug. I told him my friend V was very excited to meet him because I wanted to hook them up. Why? I knew D was always a bit pushy while hooking up and I’d rather not deal with that at all, thanks. Also, I try to keep people happy. Hook ups make people happy, right? We did very basic small talk. We talked about my ex that we mutually know. I introduced him to V and peer pressured him into drinking not one, not three, but five shots in a row. I’m going straight to hell. I flirted with him a bit.

We all sat around the table and talked and I pressured everyone into drinking more shots because I’m the devil. I could tell that they started connecting a little; they’re both shy people and I was being very chatty and bringing up both of their stories so that they could relate to one another. To break them out of their shells. The alcohol helped immensely to help get them talking more. They probably would’ve barely spoke sober.

We went outside to smoke weed and in my case, a cigarette. Neither one of them knew what they were doing whatsoever. I had to light the bowl for both of them. It was kind of funny. I smoked them both out. V told me she thought D was cute. I told D later (after he smoked weed he started tripping out and vomited in the sink, whoops!)

I told him that V thought he was cute and totally wanted to hook up with him. We all went downstairs to my room to fuck around on chat roulette. That’s when everything got weird.

After D vomited, I decided to put him to bed. While me and V stayed up talking to random people on the computer. I remember flirting with her a lot. Drinking more. Then everything goes completely BLACK.

I wake up at like 2 p.m. the next day still drunk out of my mind without a shirt or bra on. A cup in my room that isn’t mine is smashed. What in the fuck? I look everywhere for my cigarettes. I look around to see if D’s car is still parked outside and it’s not.  He dipped. I ask V what in the fuck happened last night.

Apparently I woke D up and I made out with both of them on my bed. I somehow ended up taking my shirt off. She doesn’t know what happened after that but those two ended up upstairs in her room and she gave him a blow job. He reciprocated. She told me she felt really weird about it because she was only doing it because he was so pushy. Also, she’d never given a blow job before. This was a slight relief for me, however, because now I know I didn’t get raped! Yay!

I felt really weird that I got everyone that fucked up because I had so many emotional issues myself. Misery loves its company I guess. It’s also a little weird that I made out with two people and have no recollection of any of it at all. I don’t even remember feeling attracted to either of them. So that’s nice.

Moral of the story is don’t drown your feelings with alcohol ;) thanks for reading.

What it Feels like Finding out your Lover Fucked Someone Else

It’s happened twice now, once through a Facebook message (classy!) and once through the phone.

It’s a very sharp, stinging feeling as you process the words, as though you got pricked by a pin. It reverberates throughout your entire body. You will heat up like a furnace, but only for a second. You don’t know what to say, or feel, so you just sit there for a moment to process everything. Anger? Sadness? Shock? You’re not really sure. But you feel something, and it isn’t pleasant. Then come the questions. How could you have not seen it coming? Who was it? Where? Why? Were you drunk? Does it matter? What position? Was it good? Was it better than me? Answer me damn it.

You feel so cocky for ever believing you could be ever enough for one person. You feel so stupid for pushing others away because you were so in love. You lose hope in humanity, lose hope in yourself, maybe we’re just not biologically wired for monogamy? Despite what all those adorable little romance stories such as the Notebook lead you to believe.

You will undoubtedly hate everyone, but most of all yourself. Now’s the time for self destruction and casual sex that you know you’ll end up regretting, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

Slowly, but surely, you’ll heal. I’d love to sit here and preach to you about how everything will get better. But I’ve yet to get there yet. Being cheated on fucking sucks. Please don’t do it to anyone.

Now I Know Why They Call it a Crush

I hooked up with this guy about a month ago. We met in Cuba at a dinner reservation. When I first met him I thought he was gorgeous. Definitely one of the most beautiful boys I’ve ever kissed. At least on the top 3.

He kissed me in the ocean. He kissed me on the playground. He fingered me in my Cuban hotel room. He called me sexy. He added me on Instagram, he liked my photos. He took an interest in my interests (books, painting). We weren’t supposed to hook up in the first place since I had a boyfriend and he was friends with my sister, but he had the face of a God. He acted so incredibly into me.

He invited me over after Cuba was over and I thought we had an incredible time. I know he did. He was smiling nonstop (me moreso), refused to check his phone. We drove around and got pizza, bought dollar store chocolates, watched movies, ate too much food, smoked weed, kissed and kissed and kissed some more. I gave him a damn hand job because I didn’t want to fuck him so soon and he came on my arm. I slept in his gorgeous fucking arms.

Texts were cute and clingy after that. I revelled in the attention. I was on the fucking moon, walking around and smiling for no reason. I was confident and happy. I must’ve looked like a crazy person. Every time I got a text from him, I would light up. I listened to Tove Lo’s “Not on Drugs” and related to almost every word. Except of course, this was not love.

Eventually, after a few weeks, texts became shorter and less frequent. Snapchats went unanswered. I could slowly feel him losing interest in me and it was a bad, bad sinking feeling. I would become unusually angry when I see him ignoring my text but liking another girl’s photo on Instagram. I wanted to throw things, I gave out sighs of exasperation. Why did you have to act like you were into me in the first fucking place?  Why could you have not just kissed me in the ocean and left me alone like you were going to anyways? Why did you let me think there was something more?

Here we are, a month later, here we are, with minimal contact. He doesn’t give a single fuck about me anymore. He does not attempt to pursue me like he did mere weeks ago. I am so confused as to what happened, why he lost interest. Did he meet someone else? Was I too crazy for him? Is he simply smoking way too much weed to care about me? What did I do wrong? Did he only want me for the chase?

It’s driving me nuts wondering. I want to ask him, but it wouldn’t really matter if I did or not. I just wish he could treat me like he did in the beginning, like he was fascinated by me. Like he’d do anything to impress me. But it won’t happen. That’s okay. My crush left me crushed.

Book Recommendation: Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

I picked this book up randomly from a cashier at the bookstore who recommended it after I bought Gone Girl (same author).

I literally couldn’t put it down at all when I was on vacation. It was incredible. Even better than Gone Girl. It’s a mystery novel that deals with wild topics like Satan worship, sacrifices, lots of false accusations, colourful characters, and a “Kill Club”.  Flynn has a habit of giving out the perfection amount of information to keep you constantly curious about what’s going to happen next. I was hooked.

It follows the story of Libby Day, whose entirely family was killed when she was only seven, save for her brother, who she accused of committing the crime. She testifies that he was the killer, but he’s not. Nearly two decades later, she discovers the brutal truth about that night.

It’s even going to be a movie this year with Charlize Theron as the protagonist, Nicholas Hoult (the guy from Warm Bodies) and Chloe Grace Moretz. READ IT.

How to be a Fun Person to Talk to

Because too many people are boring nowadays.

1. Express emotion. You will become infinitely more interesting than if you were monotone.

2. Ask the person questions.

3. Care about what they’re saying, and be curious about it.

4. Jokingly insult them when the opportunity presents itself.

5. Share INTERESTING things about yourself – something that’s relevant to the conversation.

6. Laugh, laugh, laugh, Make them laugh.

7. Topics like weather/mutual friends/what they do for a living/pets never go out of style.

8. Smile. A lot.

9. If someone seems really bored of what you’re talking about, either switch the topic, or get the hell out of there.

10. Be able to talk about anything, and everything. No topic is off limits.

11. If you have nothing else to say, you can comment on a mutual thing – like the event you’re meeting them at, or comment on something they’re wearing.

12. Have confidence.

13. Have no regrets about anything you say. Ever.

14. People will never get bored of talking about themselves.

15. Make them feel like they’re the only person in the world.

16. Have fun yourself.

I Got Day Drunk on a Sunday and my Lover Called the Cops on Me

So I spent my Saturday night taking care of my drunk ass friend, Nina. She had three shots of absinthe (70% alcohol) and before we even got into the club, she started vomiting everywhere. We had another friend with us, Carly. We stupidly tried to get Nina in anyways, paid twenty dollars, and then she got kicked out for being way too drunk.

I took care of her, was a good friend and all that jazz. Got her water, bread. I was so annoyed that I flirted back with her boyfriend who was texting me all night because passive aggressiveness is my specialty. I also drank more. Carly stayed at the club.

The next morning, I wake up to Carly, and this guy, Jake, who I hooked up with on prom night (made out only). I haven’t seen him since prom, actually, where he also got kicked out for being too drunk (it’s a talent my friends have)

He was flirting with me,and flirting with everyone in the room. We had three way cuddle sessions. He started touching me really subtly. I decided to get day drunk (morning drunk?), and drank a few shots of rum because I have issues. Me and Jake decide to leave to “get pizza”.

We legit walk around and look for a place to get pizza before it gets way too flirty and next thing I know he’s pushing me up against a house and kissing me really urgently and sexily. He fingered me in the middle of the day right next to someone’s house and I just rolled with it.

We found a convenience store in our search for pizza, got smokes, made out some more.

I stupidly decided to go with him to his house. We took a cab. He had to work at the mall and didn’t have a key to get in. So he left me outside the house in the freezing cold in my slutty little dress while I waited for some random guy to swing by and let me inside.

Sure enough, after what felt like 10 years, some guy comes by and let me in. Because I’m a really friendly drunk, I hang out with him until he leaves to go to some random event. I can tell he’s really entertained by me and thankfully he doesn’t hit on me. We steal Jake’s alcohol (or rather I do, this guy doesn’t, good for him.) It’s Bacardi. I drink too much.

He comes back two hours later to “check on me”. He brings a friend. The friend was really chatty and had a boner while he was talking to me (LOL.) The first guy notices and decides to leave, but drives us to a convenience store first to let us buy smokes first. On the way there, one of them asks me if I like Jake. I tell them we’ve hooked up but I don’t really like him as a person.

We head back to Jake’s, smoke, and chill out. I decide I don’t actually want to bang Jake anymore so when Jake gets home we take off to go to this random guys house. At least he won’t try to rape me. I think. He tries way too hard to impress me. Jake’s really confused about us leaving. We say we’re going “for a walk” because I feel too drunk.

Little did we know, he followed us around the whole time. They yelled at each other on the streets (Jake did all the yelling. The other guy didn’t give a fuck.) Jake says he called the cops and actually did. I don’t really have any idea what the supposed reason was. He was trying to make it out like this guy kidnapped me.

I bleed cause I walked around too much. I chat and flirt. I hold hands with this friend. Cause why not. I smoke. I met this friends really sweet family and Jake tried knocking on their door and got into a fight with the dad. It was retarded.

The aftermath was the cops called me and asked all these personal questions about Jake, like if we hooked up, and said he would’ve got in trouble for harassment, but Jake was just “looking 0ut for me”. The whole thing is hilarious to me. I got his friends number, but I’m pretty sure Jake fucking hates me and will never talk to me again. It was really stupid. I was also hungover for days.