To the Guys Who Act Distant After They Orgasm

Hello boy, I like you enough to want to make you orgasm. Maybe not through sex, probably a hand job because I generally take sex a little more seriously. You’re probably very cute to me. And your personality could be on point. Basically, I feel connected to you in some way. You’ve definitely tried to get me off too, but predictably failed. And after you cum, you act so distant baby. Why the fuck is that. I just gave you the most incredible feeling you’ll ever experience, and now you don’t even want to talk to me :)

Everything was going so, so well before you came. You were being cute, doing things that I wanted, buying me ice cream or candy, talking to me about the most random things, driving me around, cracking jokes, trying to make me happy. Trying to impress me. Calling me beautiful. Telling me anything I wanted to hear so that you’d get in this very position; handing me a towel so that I could clean your semen off my stomach or boobies. Well congratulations, you fucking did it. You got off, yay! Well I’m still here, motherfucker and I’ve got a few words for you  I wish I had the courage to say.

You made me feel like a used whore.  You made me hate you with a fiery passion, but hate myself even more for believing you actually liked me. You make me feel so stupid, slutty, dirt cheap. Like you took a part of my soul with you. You put me in the worst fucking mood imaginable for days and you have no idea. I can’t sleep because I think of how bad I feel about the entire situation. And you legitimately think you acting distant is no big deal because I’m such a “chill” girl. And you will definitely text me later, hoping to use me like a human sex doll, but the damage is already done sweetie, and I will never fucking touch you again.

If someone makes you cum, fucking appreciate the person who did that for you. I promise they are not a robot made specifically for fucking. They are a human being, with feelings, wants, fears, etc. Treat them as such or I will consider you the scum of the earth. Thanks for reading.

I Can’t Sleep Next to my One Night Stands

How does anyone have unattached sex with someone and endure the emptiness of falling asleep together? I’ve personally never been able to, at all.

I noticed this when it was offered was by a boy I met in philosophy class. I was extremely wasted on vodka, had sex with him on a whim, and after he invited me to stay the night in his classy dorm room. Even though I was smashed out of my gourd, I had no interest in it. I walked home alone.

We slept together again about a year and a half later (I guess two night stand?), and this time I tried to sleep next to him. I really did. I couldn’t find a single position where I was comfortable, my mind kept racing, reflecting on what I had just done. I thought and overthought for hours and hours. Finally, at 4 am, I couldn’t take it anymore and got the hell out of there, walked almost 5 miles home. In the deadest hour of the night. I’d rather have done that ten times than pretend to sleep for another second.

Another guy I casually had sex with a few months ago offered, but I couldn’t for similar reasons. I didn’t even bother trying, I knew how it would end. It’s polite to offer, though. Just not the best idea in practice.

Why, you may ask. It feels so fake, so pointless. We all know it was just about sex, why pretend any differently? Also, some boys change their attitude entirely after they cum – they seem a lot more charming beforehand. So why deal with their boring ass when I could be doing something better, like getting myself off or playing video games?

Now it’s different if you’re actually comfortable around the person. But if sex is clearly all the two of you wanted from each other, why act differently.

Compilation of Hilarious Tweets

This is just my brand of humour

– but has nemo found himself

– Sober every night because we drink to my accomplishments

– Did Jesus have a degree though

– My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas as they lower my casket

– No I’m not reporting my error to Apple, I ain’t no snitch

– Yo Coachella goers did u have an awesome time did u drink awesome shooters listen to awesome music and sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness

– If you’re ever stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out of it is to throw your phone into the ocean and start a new life

– When you take a ten minute study break and it accidentally lasts the whole year

– Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways

– Ohana means family. Family means having your life choices questioned and your flaws pointed out to you

– Monday is just a reminder that you do not have your shit together at all

– Are we gonna fucking hold hands tonight or what bitch

– Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them on a chair on your porch

– Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words

– It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel

– Don’t you feel pretty fucking stupid for not committing more crimes before 18

– If your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

Dealing with an Emotionally Abusive Parent

It will be hard. Impossible at times even. You will feel insane, crazed, want to smash things, light objects on fire, throw stuff. After a crazy fight, it is vital to calm yourself down before you do anything rash. Remember that you’re doing the best you can to deal with them and that raging will solve nothing.

You’re not as worthless as they make you feel. You are so much more than they give you credit for and have infinite amounts of potential. Take a deep breath, and get out of the house or situation as fast as possible. You don’t need to feed into their negativity, don’t let it consume you like it’s consumed them.

If you don’t have the option of leaving the house, due to their own stupid rules or just locational reasons, then escape. Escape into a book, or a video game, and forget about it for a while. It’s not your fault that your mother or father is a complete asshole.

Now, I’m not saying to disregard your parents if they have a legitimate point. If it’s a serious concern for your well being. Parents that simply want you to do better in school or want you to not hang out with drug addicts. No, I’m talking about parents who insult you for no reason, no positive intentions behind their words. Parents that take their anger out on you, calling you an idiot, stupid, slut, unlikeable, ugly, fat, psychotic, anorexic, etc. They do everything in their power to make you feel like a disgusting waste of space. Those who are so miserable that they attempt to bring everyone down to their level. Misery loves its company.

You’re so much better than them and the best thing you can do is ignore their negativity. Don’t let the hate consume you, be open to their love but not to their emotional turmoil. And vow to be a parent who never lets their kid go to bed without feeling loved. Vow to be a parent that truly values open communication with their children. You now have a role model for exactly what NOT to say to your kid.

Good luck. You can do this.

So Smoking Fetishism is a Thing??

You read that right. One time a few years ago in a drunken stupor I posted a video of me smoking a cigar on Youtube. I thought nothing of it. The next time I logged into my Youtube account, there was comments from old dudes saying things like “sexy” and “nice deep drag”. Because I love attention, good or bad, I uploaded a few more for kicks.

Over the past three years, my smoking videos have gotten about 20,000 collective views. They asked me to make longer videos. They call me hot, sexy, etc. They ask for my Facebook, and then add me on it. They stalk my Twitter. I have 250 subscribers just for filming myself smoking for 15 seconds. They view my other videos as a result, too.

All from a smoking video?? It took me three years to realize that it was actually a fetish and that people were getting off on it. My ex boyfriend actually told me. It never occurred to me that anyone could find something like that sexual because it wasn’t sexual to me.

It’s not something I really broadcast but it’s something I used to do once in a while as a little self esteem boost. The friends I do tell are usually confused as to why I would do that, look it up themselves, or think it was cool. I’ve never met anyone else who does this, as far as I know anyways.

Just thought y’all should know that pretty much everything is a fetish. Some people get off on watching people tickle other people. People are nuts

The Educational System is Bullshit

I’m not just saying this because I got 50% as a grade in three of them this semester. You know why I did so poorly? Because the material is completely useless and not applicable to anything in real life whatsoever.

For example, one course I was required to take was Postcolonial Literature. The required texts were written by people who barely spoke any fucking English, as it wasn’t their first language. It made it impossible for me to focus on and as a result I read the first like 20 out of 500 pages. It was unreadable. I looked like a complete idiot in the seminars as a result, but it’s whatever.

Why am I required to take courses I’m simply not interested in and paying tons of money to do it? What does reading about a black girls struggles with post colonialism have to do with my goal of a career in journalism? How is it ever going to help me with my future?

Furthermore, what the fuck is up with the educational system in general? There are basic tasks in life that EVERYONE should know that they simply don’t teach in school. For example, doing laundry, paying bills, pros and cons of a credit card, changing oil in a car, filling up gas…. Basic information such as this is not taught in school. Personally I believe school should teach life skills and things that will help us in life rather than completely pointless information that I’ll never, ever need to know and probably won’t even remember.

A lot of university feels like filler and basically useless information that will never apply to the kind of career you want. My advice is to thoroughly research any program you’re interested in and make sure it’s what you REALLY want to do. Also, I hear college programs are a lot more hands-on and applicable.

Party Girl Problems

1. Forgetting people’s names seconds after they told you it, especially while intoxicated. But now it even happens to you sober. Gets really awkward at work.

2. Unsaved numbers texting you asking you if you want to hang out or asking how you’re doing when you have absolutely no idea who they are.

3. Double booking plans because you’re a people pleaser or simply forgot about the first plans you made that day. Then you have to let someone down, which is never fun.

4. Hooking up with regrettable people. Sometimes less than attractive people hit on you when you’re drunk or high on MDMA and those two drugs make everything seem like a good idea.

5. When said unattractive people think that the hookup meant anything. Helloooo, I was drunk as hell, that gives me an excuse to back out, right?? Then their feelings get hurt, it’s all bad.

6. Being known as the “crazy girl”.

7. Getting the cops called on you by people whose heart you broke. Or people trying to get back at you in any way because you partied a little too hard.

8. Finding out someone you hooked up with drunkenly has a significant other.

9. When people you first meet say “oh I’ve heard a lot about you.” Fuck.

10. The comedown effects of random drugs you took.

11. When people tell you what you did when you were blacked out. Anything from busting random objects to losing your phone, you feel like a fuckup.

12. Accidentally hooking up with childhood friends and making things a little bit awkward for life.

13. Getting into random fights and not remembering why.

14. Unexplained bruises after waking up from a night of drinking.

15. Losing all your valuables, like your money, phone or purse, perfume or whatever. And knowing it’s gone forever.

16. Your friends teasing you constantly about your hard partying lifestyle.

17. Getting bored way too easily.